Etsy is the Target of the Internet because 100% of its inventory is shit I in no way actually need, but that my heart will tell me I cant live without and before I know it that tiny orange cart in the corner says 3 next to it when all I was trying to do was look up what time TGI Fridays closes on Tuesday nights.
No, Etsy Ap on my phone, ( whats wrong with me ) I do NOT need a "here's more shit we recommend you buy so that your husband flips a table when the credit card bills comes" section. Its not necessary. Knock it off. I already have a problem without you giving me the crack for free.
My main areas of concern:
1) Rings. I have so many silver Etsy rings that Ive run out of fingers to put them on and soon will need to start wearing them on my toes in case I want to look even more like a Gypsie than I already do.
2) Pendant necklaces that I feel represent me as a person to the extent that if I was forced in a hostage situation to be identified by the jewelry I was wearing anyone who knows me would instantly says "yes, yes they have Maria, that's so something she'd wear".
3) ALL THE WALL ART. PUT IT ALL OVER ME. IF I WAS A STRIPPER ID ASK PEOPLE TO MAKE IT RAIN WITH WALL ART.
4) Tiny animal statues made of anything. I have 2 kids under 5 I cant have nice tiny things, what is wrong with me? I need a room just filled with animal statues I can go meditate in forever.
5) A kintsugi cup I'm not supposed to actually use. Again, where do I display this without fear of it being destroyed or someone spitting a mouthful of chewed bacon into it (a thing that actually happened in my house)
6) GRAPHIC TEES because I refuse to dress like an actual human adult and I need these shirts to let everyone know how I feel about GoT or Duck Duck Grey Duck.
7) Moscow Mule cups so I can pretend I'm in a Renaissance storyline when I'm drinking ice water
8) Tarot cards to become a fortune teller when I grow up
9) Enough Ceramic/Pottery to open up my own Etsy shop selling other peoples Ceramic//Pottery Ive collected
10) Front back earrings that I will inevitably lose the back to and then have to spend the next 3-4 days frantically searching for and hoping not to find it in my baby's diaper.
11) Hooded sweatshirts with mythical creatures printed on them
12) A spoon with a saying embossed on the scoop that truly serves no purpose whatsoever other than being able to say, hey did you see this cool spoon I own that has words on it?
13) A mermaid tail blanket. I shouldn't have to explain this to you if you don't get it, get on this level.
14) 8 small Japanese glass terrariums that I will for sure end up killing because I never read the directions
15) This fucking sweet lamp made out of a gourd
16) A custom pet portrait
17) A rhino or reindeer mounted head made out of corrugated cardboard that my husband and I will never agree upon a place to hang it so it will sit in my closet sadly for 4 years.
18) Gifts for others...?? Right that's why I logged in the first place
Etsy--I hate you I love you I hate that I love you.
Etsy Sellers--Stop being so creative and beautiful and glorious and way over charging me for something that literally cost you 1/10th of what I bought it for without question.
Husband--I'm sorry. It could be worse, I could be addicted to meth or Kate Spade bags (are those a thing, I think so?) Thanks for working so hard and being so smart that we have expendable income for me to be selfish with.
In conclusion, my Etsy life motto:
